| Night's noises demand tending. Was that cat or cat burglar? Two o'clock can be an unsettling time of night if, at such an hour, one is pushed from sleep by horrid, inner visions or pulled awake by the sound of an axe murderer creaking up steps. Or was it the icebox clicking off? |
| At the end of a recent vigil, convinced it was only the cat, I switched on the T.V. to wait for the queasiness to pass. |
| I aimed the remote and hit 32, The Discovery Channel, a friendly standby, always reliable. Detailed examination of the breeding habits of the Polar Bear can fire up alpha waves in a jiffy and bring on blissful sleep. Click! The screen was filled with a bear, but it was no denizen of the Arctic. It was flat-topped Dick Butkus, an ancient Bear of the Chicago species, wearing team colors and a 51 and hawking the Qwik Cook Grill. Apparently, this scientific breakthrough enables burgers or dogs to be cooked in a flash. This modern marvel pays for itself in no time since no charcoal or lighter is used, only ten sheets of newspaper. It's a mere $30.00, and if purchased within one hour of Dick's pleas, included would be a forever-sharp knife and $30.00 in coupons. Yet groggy with sleep, I was able to calculate that the Qwik Cook Grill cost less than nothing. |
| At least three times during the spiel did Butkus check -- with the carnival-barker type doing all the talking -- about the ink. "Don't worry, Dick," he squawked, "we called the National Association of Newspaper Printers, and we were told that newspaper ink is soybean oil and mineral oil. So it's O.K. to cook with it. And what is newspaper made of, Dick?" |
| "I didn't never play without my helmet. It's made of wood," said Butkus. |
| "That's right, so you get that outdoor flavor," said the carnival-barker type. |
| Butkus' pitch made me depressed, not sleepy, so I clicked him away. |
| Click! An image appeared: An overweight, balding man sat with a sheet draped like a cape over his shoulders while a woman spray-painted his bald spot. Then down the stairs, through an applauding audience, came Ron Popeil (the Pocket Fisherman -- Vegamatic -- Smokeless Ashtray -- Mr. Microphone -- to-name-a-few Ron Popeil). The marketing genius, worth tens or hundreds of millions of dollars, turned his back on the crowd and, peering into a handled mirror, spray-painted his own bald spot. It was GLH Formula 9, which comes in a 3- step, 3-can application set. Next, a flock of users attested to the great benefits of flocking their pates with GLH. I didn't catch the price and don't know if coupons were being offered. |
| I remembered a movie, starring both sons of Lloyd Bridges and Michele Pfeiffer, in which either Jeff or Beau spray-painted his bald spot before playing piano on stage. I wondered if Ron Popeil got the idea for GLH Formula 9 from that movie, and if he would make ten million from it. The thought really depressed me, and I reached for the clicker. |
| Click! On Channel 34, Frankie Avalon and Dennis James were selling Zero Pain, some sort of pain killer. "It made Dave a believer in pain relief," said one housewife. |
| "And Zero Pain really takes away the pressure," said another. |
| Click! |
| Trying a new ploy, I clicked toward the lower channels. Click. Click. Click. Click. At a brief stop, Martin Sheen was pushing Anthony Robbins' Personal Power System -- self- help magic which cures all problems, according to the slick huckster interviewed by Sheen. I wondered if it could outdo Zero Pain on pesky stress. |
| Click! On another channel, Dionne Warwick sold Edgar Morris' Skin Care Products, "Made by an African American for women of color." |
| Click! Aging athlete Bruce Jenner was extolling his Stair Climber. Click! A younger athlete, Jake of "Body by Jake" fame, was praising his Firmflex exerciser. "Get fit and don't quit," said Jake through capped teeth. |
| On and on it went. Click! "Kathy Smith's Fat Burning System will make you feel better in . . ." Click! "Yes, Dura-Lube will allow your engine . . ." Click! "You can earn a substantial income at home with the Mellinger World Trade Mail Order Plan. . ." Click! "Craftmatic adjustable beds. . ." Click! "Creating Your Future is a . . ." Click! "Video Professor. . ." Click! Click! Click! |
| Then credits began scrolling across the screens of the sixteen infomercials which had tortured me for thirty minutes. I knew then it must be 2:30. I was wide awake and irate, but didn't think for another instant about half-heard noises of night. |
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